Guilty Guilty Guilty

Siapakah orang tua di kolong langit ini yang tidak pernah merasa bersalah sekali pun saat membesarkan anak-anaknya? adakah? mungkinkah? saya mungkin baru jadi orang tua selama satu tahun lebih sedikit, tapi percayalah, selama kurun waktu tersebut ntah sudah berapa kali saya merasa feeling guilty, bahkan sejak sang anak masih di dalam perut sudah beberapa kali pulalah saya merasa feeling guilty. Oh seandainya saya dulu begini, coba saya lakukan ini, harusnya saya lebih peka, hendaknya saya ikuti insting saya, dan sederet lagi daftar berandai-andai lainnya yang dipicu oleh rasa bersalah karena tidak becus merawat dan mendidik anak.

Jika sekiranya ada diantara kalian yang sudah menjadi orang tua dan tidak pernah merasa bersalah, dengan segala hormat, selama anda manusia dan bukan dedemit atau mahluk dari antah barantah saya ingin berguru kepada anda.

Kenapa topik ini saya angkat sebagai post pertama blog saya di tahun 2015? karena sedang ramai dan hangat di media sosial perihal seorang anak remaja usia 14 tahun yang bunuh diri dengan cara gantung diri di dalam lemari pakaiannya. Apa pasal? dua alasan pemicu hal ini menurut media massa dan broadcast yang beredar dimana-mana, yaitu karena si anak yang dari keluarga broken home, teracuni oleh manga yang mengajarkan tentang peaceful death dan juga katanya karena si anak kurang kasih sayang dari kedua orang tuanya. Apa alasan sebenarnya? saya rasa hanya Tuhan dan si anak yang tau alasannya. Sayang sekali kedua-duanya tidak bisa ditanya langsung saat ini.

Terus, apa hubungannya dengan feeling guilty?

Gini ya, jangankan kasus berat seperti in, kasus ringan-ringan aja deh seperti misal anak lagi duduk asyik main sendiri di matras yang lumayan empuk karena sudah baby proof. Si Emak duduk dekat sang anak sambil sesekali memainkan handphone di tangannya dan tiba-tiba saat sang anak ingin bermanuver, kakinya keselimpet mainannya sendiri dan jidatnya dengan sempurna ‘mencium’ sang matras, dalam hitungan detik jidat yang jadi tempat landing tersebut merah dan sang anak mewek. Si Emak langsung otomatis feeling guilty, si anak langsung dipelok dan diusap-usap kepalanya sambil bilang “it’s okay it’s okay…” dengan maksud menenangkan sang anak, padahal dalam hatinya sendiri, pedih dan bergumuruh suara-suara seperti “main Hp aja terus! anak kejedut baru tau rasa! nggak becus jaga anak!” dan aneka kata-kata penghakiman yang setajam silet. (iya, ini kisah nyata pribadi. And please don’t tell me if I am the only one who did it, hehe).

Nah, coba kita posisikan diri kita sebagai salah satu orang tua dari anak remaja tersebut. Bisa bayangkan level feeling guiltynya kayak apa? I wish we never and ever had to experience what they have been through these couple of days or for sure forever. Yang mengtrigger saya untuk nulis hal ini adalah nggak sedikit kemudian orang-orang ketika menanggapi kasus ini kemudian menyalahkan orang tuanya. Hey, who are you to judge them? *lempar cermin 1×2 meter*

Saya tau, kecenderungan kita sebagai manusia kalo terjadi sebuah kasus adalah mencari biang keroknya. Ogah dong kalo sampai disalahkan, kan ada sejuta penyebab kenapa begini kenapa begitu, ogah dong kalo semua jari nunjuk ke kita. Apalagi kalo jelas bukan kita penyebabnya. Rata-rata yang berkomentar kejam tersebut tidak kenal atau tidak ada hubungan dengan keluarga ini. Yah, penyakit era socmed lah, berkomentar seenak udel di belakang layar monitor komputer atau handphone atau tablet. Lupa mereka soal rumus, apapun yang berani di tulis di socmed terhadap seseorang adalah juga sesuatu yang berani kita sampaikan didepan batang pohon hidung ybs. Kalo seandainya nggak berani bicara hal tersebut di depan orangnya, artinya tidak boleh juga dong ditulis, itukan nggak keren cuy, itu namanya… hmm… nggak ada istilah yang pas, low aja gitu.. LOW.

Kebayang kalo sampai ada misal orang kemudian berdiri didepan kedua orang tua anak tersebut sambil marah-marah (mungkin pake nunjuk-nunjuk juga gitu) dan bilang “ini semua salah lu berdua! pake cere! anak jadi korban, kurang kasih sayang, kalian egois! salah-salahin kartun manga lagi (padahal belum tentu alasan bunuh diri karena pengaruh manga itu keluar dari ortu si anak), kalian saja yang gak becus jd orang tua, anak itu tanggung jawab orang tuanya! bukan tanggung jawab nenek apalagi tantenya! bukan tanggung jawab guru dan sekolah, tapi kalian sebagai orang tuanya! paham??? *trus mata melotot, muka di zoom in zoom out ala sinetron* Trus yag bikin lebih ngenes, yang marah-marah ini bukan siap-siapa mereka, teman bukan, tetangga bukan, seumur-umur mungkin baru tahu kalo ada mahluk kayak gini exist.

I know… I know... yang dibilangin itu ada benernya. Kok ada benernya sih? itu benar 1000%! protes kalian. Begini ya, menurut saya nih yang kebetulan (naas kebetulannya) gedenya nyaris tanpa orang tua. Saat saya umur 10 tahun, bapak meninggal trus sekitar umur 12 gitu deh, ditinggal-tinggal pergi kerja sama emak yang bisa berbulan-bulan. Gedenya cuma sama nenek dan kakak beradik. Toh, nggak runyam-runyam amatlah orangnya. Kurang kasih sayang orang tua? ya iyalah! berat dong hidup lo waktu kecil apalagi pas remaja? menurut ngana????! eh tunggu dulu, bedalah cuy kalo kurang kasih sayang karena ortu meninggal atau pergi kerja sama yang ortunya cerai, Hmm… okay… trus semua anak-anak yang broken home apa end up pada bunuh diri semua?

Bingung gua jadinya cuy. Sama!

Intinya menurut saya, kesalahan utama adalah si anak sendiri, baru kemudian ditambah faktor-faktor lainnya. So far belum ada yang saya lihat menyalahkan atau setidak-tidaknya menyayangkan tindakan si anak. Ini mungkin ntah sudah keberapa kali saya nulis atau mengeluarkan pendapat sbb dibeberapa kesempatan, bahwa saya sangat tidak setuju apabila seorang (anak) melakukan kesalahan maka kemudian yang disalahkan orang tua, guru, keluarga, sistem pendidikan, keadaan, pemerintah and so on and so on yang kemudian pada akhirnya si pelaku (anak) bebas dari kesalahan sedikitpun. Ini kenapa bisa jadi begini? heran betul saya. Nggak percaya? next time kalo ada kasus pembunuhan kek, narkoba kek, apalah, perhatiin aja para ahli, psikolog, whoever yang diwawancara atau ditanya pendapatnya, 99,99% pasti komentarnya kurang lebih”oh si Anu bisa begitu karena dia dari keluarga broken home, oh karena dia dari keluarga tidak mampu, Oh karena dia terpaksa, karena ini karena itu, bukan karena emang si pelaku jahat saja atau lalai saja. *sigh*

Paragraf diatas saya tulis dengan terpaksa untuk sekedar sharing/singgung sedikit saja. Main point saya bukan itu dan khusus untuk kasus ini saya ogah berkomentar apapun di publik (masih dalam tahap mencerna, menelaah dan intropeksi diri) perihal si anak maupun orang tuanya. Saya cuma tergelitik membeberkan prilaku dan reaksi orang lain di Social Media.

Tanpa kita ikut nambah-nambahin komentar penghakiman, percayalah, itu dua orang tua saat ini sudahlah pasti sangat merasa bersalah, malu, marah, kecewa, kesal, sebel, sedih, terluka, kepahitan, dll. Adalah lebih baik kita merenung dan intropeksi diri dari kasus semacam ini.

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Saat ini saya sedang membaca buku tentang parenting oleh Gary Thomas dengan judul “Sacred Parenting”. Terakhir saya baca sampai bab 3 yang kebetulan bahas soal The Gold behind the guilt (How raising Children teaches us to deal with guilt). Salah satu hal yang dibahas dalam bab 3 itu tentang The Samuel Syndrom. Yang belum tau siapa Samuel yang dimaksud Gary Thomas, itu adalah Samuel,salah satu tokoh yang ada di Alkitab yang hidupnya berkenan oleh Tuhan tapi nyatanya punya dua anak yang nggak beres. Contoh lain yang diberikan adalah Raja Asa yang hidup ndak karu-karuan toh anaknya si Jehoshaphat hidupnya benar dan diperkenan Tuhan Allah. Lihat ada yang aneh nggak disini? Output dari orang tua berupa anak nggak ada rumusan yang baku, misal ortu baik maka anak-anaknya akan baik pula, atau ortu bejat maka pastilah anak-anaknya ndak beres semua.

Saya kutip beberapa yang ditulis dalam buku ini ya soal ini, simak baik-baik :

  • We are not raising robots; we are shepherding image bearers of the Creator God who live with freedom of choice, their own wills, and a personal responsibility of their own”
  • “None of us can be such good parents that God becomes obligated to save our children’s souls”.
  • We need Savior, just as they do. We can love them – but God alone has loved, is loving, and will love them with a perfect love. Our children need to know that even Mom and Dad let them down, there is One who will always “be there” for them”.

Buku ini highly recommended buat siapa saja yang tertarik pada parenting. Buku ini bukan tentang how to be a good parent tapi justru memaparkan bahwa bagaimana Tuhan menggunakan anak-anak kita untuk mengubah kita. Bahasa inggris kerennya “How raising children shapes our souls”. Saya kesulitan untuk membuat review tentang buku ini, buku ini juga tidak bisa diringkas, karena every single word bermakna penuh, tidak ada paragraf atau bahkan kalimat yang bisa dilewatkan begitu saja, mau coba meringkas? sama dengan kudu mendikte 100% isi buku. (Jika di Indonesia kalian kesulitan untuk mendapatkan buku ini sedang hard copynya mahal untuk dibeli via Amazon, setahu saya buku ini juga ada versi onlinenya, bisa beli untuk dibaca di Kindle dan harganya sangat terjangkau, trust me, it will worth every penny you spend).

After all, saya jadi terlihat menjudge orang-orang yang berkomentar menyalahkan ortu si anak. I don’t know your background, mungkin ada kaitan dengan kisah hidup anda sendiri sehingga anda bisa berkomentar meletup-letup seperti itu. Yah tapi saya ajak kita semua untuk mundur sejenak, terutama yang sudah menjadi parent, kita tau tugas kita berat dan sebagai orang tua yang waras kita tentu ingin menjadi yang terbaik untuk anak-anak kita, maka hendaklah kita bisa saling berempati satu sama lain, sesama orang tua, terutama mereka yang sedang dalam masa sulit seperti mereka.

YuTan

Mama muda yang tiada sehari pun beripikir, sudahkah saya memberikan yang terbaik, sebaik-baik yang saya punya untuk Olivia hari ini? (kalo ke bapaknya, cuma sesekali aja sih kepikir, bwahaha) :p





It’s positive!!!

I have been dragging myself too long to write this post, part one of my pregnancy journey. Don’t blame me, blame pregnancy hormone, pregnancy sickness and the last one, blame this computer room that dosen’t has enough oxigent for me to inhale.

Some of you that know me and my husband this past 3 years, may know may not know our journey about having a baby.To cut the story short, after the plan was changed or postponed due to moving to Toronto from Halifax, we started it again. Well, I would say I was the one who prepared it first by didn’t take any medication for my face/skin. I do have a severe agne problem and had taken some medication for a while, and completely stopped it about more than one year ago. This agne medication (prescribed by doctor) is a big no no when you plan to have a baby (I won’t explaint it here, do googling if you are interested or curious about this matter).

I read somewhere sometimes ago, at least take 6 months to clean your body from any medication that can cause child birth defect before you & your couple seriuosly want to conceive. After I didn’t take that medication, surprise surprise… those agne start party on my face,again. *annoyed* but it’s okay, seriously, it’s okay!

That is one of the physically action that we/i took. The other was book appointment with our new family doctor, who knows that we have some problem with our body right? Just ask for check up to make sure everything is ready. But before the scheduled date, I was postive pregnant, 5 weeks!

One that I want to share is more about my mental during this journey, erhh.. I mean the journey about wanting a baby. Since I was very young, let’s say around 10 years old, I already can carry a newborn baby. I didn’t afraid, everytime I had a chance to carry or play with them, I’ll do. I just love baby and toddler, the cute one of course *cough cough*. By telling this, I would like you to know that one day I want my very own baby, the little human that can call me mommy.

After I got married, and like other major married couples, you want or probably you will have a baby, yay! Everytime if some friends got married, the next thing in 3 months you will heard is they are expecting! I’m happy for them,  they make it looks like so easy, like it was an automatic machine, married, wait 3 months and voila you are 2 months pregnant, LOL.

—- Above post I wrote on Aug 22, 2013 (4 month pregnant) —-

And now Aug 12, 2014, almost a year later, I will continue to write this post, haha

I remember that early morning when I did pregnancy test using drug store pregnancy test pack, it was around 4am when I needed to pee. They said the first pee in the morning is a very good sample and I really wanted to know the result and let Hadi know, if I skip this moment the next pee would be around 7/8am and he probably already left to go to office.

Back to around 1 week before that morning, It actually my ‘red’ due date. My period is VERY regular each month, well maybe miss 1 or maximum 2 days. That week was the longest week ever in my life. To be honest, I wasn’t expect to get pregnant that month but waiting the period to come was killing me. Sometime I felt like my back bone was iching, I felt tired, and those were sign of the period will coming soon. Everytime I went to pee, I was so scary and worry, deep down in my heart I was praying, please… please… don’t you ever dare to show up! haha.

After 4 days passed, I REALLY wanted to do the test! I only had 1 pregnancy tester left in my bathroom drawer, it’s like a bullet, my precious bullet, the last one that I hope I used it and all is WORTH! When Hadi knew I want to test it, he said just wait until it reach 1 week. He probably didn’t want to see my sad face, 3 days earlier, haha. Yeah, everytime the result came negative, I will run to him and said, no luck this month with my no hope face, haha.

I remembered one night we went to watching a movie. On the way to the theater when I was driving I felt something came out down there. “Oh shoot” I said to him, “I think I got my period”. He suggested we go home and canceled the movie. I said “No, I will check when we reach theater and decided later” but on my mind, I was pretty sure, that ugly red face is coming, I plan just to stuck a bunch of tissue and proceed to watch a movie to convert my anger!!! Sorry if this post contain some yucky stuff, lol.

Hey, It was nothing down there! hooray…. Let’s watch the movie. I forgot though what movie we watched that night. I just remember I ate popcorn and drank pop and my tummy was bloated!

I quiet surprise I could be that patient, waiting until I reach 1 week late. Usually I test on the due date even a day before. Yeah yeah, blame that pregancy tester that said they can give an acurate result 5 days before the period! When I told one of my closest friend, she was the one that persued me to do the test NOW! “Do it now and let me know the result” she texted me. I replied “Nah, I will wait the next day” I was that patient, maybe I just don’t want to be sad so fast, let me ‘enjoy’ this late period moment, haha.

So, that 4 am when I did the test, I peed on the stick if you don’t know how does preganacy tester works, lol and we need to wait until the result appear in the tester’s screen. I put the stick on top the sink and continue cleaning. Oh my… I tried to not let myself to had a hope even only little tiny hope. I just ‘blank’ myself and pick it up to see the result.

And this what I saw:

Tester1I couldn’t believe my eyes!!! I shocked, I looked it again, doubted a bit that the line was a bit blur but OVER JOY when the thick line was the vertical one! This cannot go wrong!!! Yay!!! I got out from bathroom, make a noise to made Hadi woke up and told him the good news! I want to record his expreesion but it’s still too dark, lol.

Couple days later, I bought other tester pack. Just want to make sure! When all was well and confirmed, we started to spread the news to our family and friends. We just too happy not to share this news. And this was what I sent to them:

tester2And the journey begins…

I had posted my experienced in operation room here when I gave birth and plan to write another pregnancy related post about My oh my… challenging pregnancy, yup I almost got pre-ecclamsia and had to stayed at hosital for 2 weeks when I was in my 29 weeks pregnancy, not mention about countless hospital visit after that. Wish I am not too lazy or even worst , forrgot the detail story to share it here.

YuTan

Ps. We went to Etobicoke’s farmers market the other day





Olivia’s 1st Outdoor PRO Photo Session

Model: Olivia Muliawan | Age: 7 Month | Gender: Female | Weight: +/- 15lbs | Heigh: +/- 70cm | Eye Color: Dark Brown | Hair Color: Black

Photographer: Mommy | Assistant Photographer: Grandma | Stylist: Mommy & Olivia | Wardrobe: Personal | Accessories: Personal

Location: Highpark, Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Date: Aug 6, 2014

Camera: Canon EOS 7D | Lens: 50mm F1.8

combo1 combo2 combo3 combo4 combo5Mommy’s NOTE:

I used to work at Sears photo studio in Halifax around 2 years ago and 90% of my customer was parents with babies! Now I know  and can related when they said “Oh, I like that one better, It show her/his personality” or “I want that one, that’s how she/he smiles” or something like that, when I sat with them in front of the computer to look all their baby pictures I took that day. Sometimes, I just didn’t understand, for me that picture probably little bit blur, the composision was odd, or just simply the baby face wasn’t cute enough like other pictures in my opinion. BUT at the end they chose whatever they liked and as a professional photographer, as long as your customer happy, that’s enough and consider as success ^^. So, when I look all the pictures I took this afternoon, no matter how bad the quality (exposure, angle, etc) of the picture, I LIKE it just because Olivia so cute on that pic, haha.

We had so much fun during the photo session, I wasn’t prepare so much since this was our first professional photo session and I didn’t know what will going on. Turned out not so bad, I just went a bit crazy to made Olivia smiles.

After so long I refused to take a picture using my DSLR camera and getting comfortable with Handphone camera, it felt so good to be back to ‘heavy bulky blacky camera’ haha! Definitely will have more photo session with her in the future. Excited!

Olivia’s NOTE:

I didn’t know what’s mommy doing in the park. She kept calling my name and made a fake snizzing sound, I guessed she tried to make me smile, of course I smile, she was so silly. We had fun in the park, we go to this place so often, since I was a baby, errhh… I mean when I was a little baby, I am a big baby now. But today visit was a bit special, mommy let me sit on the ground, she even made me lay down on my tummy, She knew I hate this position but I gave it a try, actually I did it so I could had a chance to pull some grass though. haha.

Grandma looked so happy too, She made sure I wore my pretty headband. When mommy stopped looking at me through some funny black box, I snacking with Grandma. It called picnic in the park, I like it… I like drinking my milk and looking to the trees, they are so high and greeny.

Mommy said we will going out more often before the weather getting cold. I am looking forward to have fun with mommy and grandma in our next visit to the park!